Hi there bird fans! Happy Mother's Day! There's something good to be said about mothers. You can't live with them, and you can't live without them. If evolution really works, how come mothers still only have 2 hands?
Some of you have inquired about Malachi (Amazon) and his raging hormones. Yes, he is still in love with Mother. Recently, I've noticed that 2 of my relatives are "leg men". Meshach (Senegal) and Nehemiah (Red-bellied parrot) try to grab Mother's leg when she walks by. Personally, I think both of them have elevators that don't go to the top floor! Honestly, why would anyone want to grab a wooden leg? Goliath is up to his old tricks again. He recently learned how to take off the lock on his cage door. Only now, when he takes the lock off, he manages to put it in strategic places in his cage. Places where Mother has to rearrange half the cages in our room in order to retrieve the lock. Anyway, the other day, Goliath (Amazon) decided to open the door and take a stroll around the bird room. Of course, his first stop was Sassy's (Caique) cage. There he was, standing like King Kong on top of Sassy's cage saying, "Hi Sassy, come here baby." Poor Sassy hid behind as many toys as he could shove into the corner of the cage. When Goliath got bored with that, he decided to visit Shaddy Magoo's cage. Shaddy is a little big mouth Conure who thinks his whole cage is one big nest. Anyway, Goliath peered into his cage and said, "Hey, what are you doing in there?" Poor Shaddy nearly had heart failure when he saw that gargantuan bird ogling him. Mother came out and busted Goliath in the act and he was sentenced back to his cage. The other day, while I was out on the perch, I read a disturbing article in the newspaper. A certain pet food company is hosting a photo essay contest to select a spokescat and spokesdog to help encourage dog and cat adoptions from animal shelters. The winners and their owners will be flown to L.A. and inducted into the Pawprint Hall of Fame. Hogwash! I think it's downright discriminating! I got a good notion to submit my photo and 150 word piece of my mind (and I have quite a choice) on why I should be the spokesbird. I'm sure that would rattle a few cages! On second thought, there is a certain cat and dog in my neighborhood that I would like to send as a donation. Next month, I will tell you about these 2 hellish characters.
Crabby Diem! I have fireworks of my own this month! Sometimes I feel like I belong to an endangered species, one of the few remaining cranks in existence. Let me explain.....I'm not talking about your every day garden variety crank, you know, someone who goes around crabbing at friends and strangers for no good reason other than he's in a bad mood. I'm talking about the kind of bird that gets cranky because people and other birds make him that way. A bird that has the courage to talk back to impolite, nosy neighbors like Mr. Sticky Beak and an inefficient Mother who doesn't respond immediately to my every need, to tell off discourteous Caiques that scream from morning until night and obnoxious Amazons that shout absurdities at the most inopportune times, like when I am trying to sleep. In short, a bird that takes it upon himself to keep the rest of society and the flock in line.
A case in point..... The other day, I was just settling in for an afternoon nap when those silly Caiques, Sassy and Brat started screaming back and forth at each other. You'd think by now they'd just accept each other as neighbors and get a life! But no, they curse in Caique every waking moment. Well, I was in no mood to listen to that nonsense and I had an attitude to prove it. I mustered up a full head of steam and let out my imitation of the smoke alarm. Let me tell you, it was magnificent! I even startled myself. It sent the birds crashing to the bottom of their cages. And there was silence in the birdroom for a space of one half hour. Later, Meshach (Senegal) let me know in African bird language, "I'm glad you did that. You should try living next to them!" For heaven sake, why didn't he say something? You see, that's the way it goes when you're the designated crank. You're always out there on your own while other, presumably better adjusted birds, just keep quiet and take it.
Then there's the matter of the neighborhood cat. We are constantly terrorized by this big fleabag cat that insists on peering into the living room window. All we can see is this huge head looking in on us! It sends poor Benjamin (Eclectus) reeling in terror and looking for a hole small enough to hide in. Now, when I see that dingbat looking in the window, I whistle and let everyone know that the floating head of death is on the porch. We all scream at the same time and scare that nuisance back to where he came from. Once again, I am the one who created the scene - The Village Crank!
Then there's the matter of that little ugly dog who uses my lawn as a public toilet! What's this world coming to? What's worse is that Mother has the uncanny knack of finding those unmentionables and stepping in them. Who ever said stepping in THAT is good luck needs their head examined. Good luck for who? The person whose car Mother tracks it in on or Mother? I must say, she certainly doesn't act like she's won the lottery after stepping in it. She seems like she's in a bad mood and we have to put up with her ranting. But, if I say anything, I'll be labeled a crank! Who ever said a bird's life is easy? So as you can see, being a crank is not a responsibility to be taken lightly. As the clichè says, it's a dirty job, but someone's got to do it!
Greetings to all my bird fans and their human pets! The subject I want to discuss this month is a very serious one, namely, the fear of germs and diseases. Like many of life's problems, this one began very early in my life, around the age of 3 months. In the other apartment, my cage was in the living room. I could listen to everyone's conversations. Most of the people I was exposed to were women. They discussed everything from children, teaching, shopping, recipes, the Bible, but their favorite topic seemed to be ill health. Honestly, some of the things I heard made me so scared I thought my eyes were going to pop out of my head! "Her leg swelled up like a watermelon." "She was on the operating table for 12 hours." "The tumor was as big as a cantaloupe." Of course, Mother didn't help the situation with all her old war stories and antibacterial soap everywhere! It just seemed none of the stories had happy endings. Now, having heard all those dreadful stories at such a young age left me feeling paranoid to bacteria, germs, viruses, parasites, fungi, and poisons. Diane Wanamaker would be so proud of me. Incidentally, the second page I read every month in the newsletter is her "Disease of the Month" article. (The first page I read is my own article to make sure Mother didn't make any mistakes.) but getting back to my plight, I think I have become a hypochondriac. Like the other day, Mother was passing out almonds to each of us. I heard her say, "This one is a good size for Zac," and she proceeded to put that puny little almond in my bowl. Well, I heaved that small almond on the floor. I wanted one as big as a cantaloupe, like that tumor I heard about.
Once, I heard Mother do a Bible study on leprosy. It was an awful disease and back then it was incurable. People caught it by coming in contact with lepers. That's why I don't like going out of the house. You can't be too careful these days. Not long ago, I saw a program on elephantiasis. Now, I constantly check my legs to see if one of them is swelling up like an eggplant. Sitting on a perch could become quite a problem. This disease comes from mosquitoes. Just another reason not to go outside.
Last year, I had a terrible case of bumblefoot. What if that spread all over me! How could I live with an obituary like that! He died of terminal bumblefoot. I find myself constantly reading the Mother of all Bird Medicine Books Avian Medicine. I gross myself out looking at all the pictures.Recently, I put on a little weight....about 40 grams. So, I'm thinking about getting a cleavage reduction. Mother says I should just go on a diet. she says the most fattening thing I could put in my food is my beak. The best way to lose weight is to eat everything I don't like. She says, since I like to play in my water bowl so much, maybe I should take up swimming; it might help trim my figure. My response...Whoever said swimming is good for the figure should take a good look at the whale!
Hi Bird Fans! This month, I want to talk about a very important subject -- retirement. I think I've reached the stage in life where others might describe me as a bird of leisure. But, I'm having trouble finding time to do the things Mother seems to think birds my age should want to do. Something always seems to get in the way, like maybe I have to yell at Sassy and Brat for being so loud.....I need to rearrange the inside of my cage.....I need to destroy another Zac Squiggle toy.....I need to work on another picture window in my cage cover. Time was when I was working full-time that I would somehow squeeze in those little chores like that in the evenings. Now, they seem to kill the entire day! For instance, I've been thinking about doing a little fishing. You know, like you see in those TV commercials.....someone wearing a floppy hat and standing in knee deep water casting a trout fly. The only 
problem I see with this picture is me in it! I'm just too busy! Besides, I look terrible in hats, especially floppy ones! I have never been much of a fisherman. The only fishing I've ever done was in my water bowl. And, I've never caught a single fish! NOT EVEN ONE! And the few times I've tried fly casting, I got my leather strip caught on my swing. I get irritated just thinking about it. It makes me wonder why I'm even thinking about fishing! Maybe I should take up golf.
Then again, it takes a lot of time to play a round of golf and I've got vegetables to eat, soup to make, toys to chew, cage cover windows to design, and I've got this column to write and.....whew, I could use a vacation. BIRD-MUDA HERE I COME!
Hello birds and human pets! It's been a busy month. I'm on holiday with all my bird family and Mother at a bird resort in New Jersey. Eight of us live on the second floor and eight on the first floor. I'm on the quiet side, so I lucked out and got the room on the second floor. The first floor has all the noisy family.....the Caiques and Amazons. Let me tell you, I don't miss them, although I do hear them from time to time. The neighbors who live in the room next to us are a rowdy bunch.....two Sun Conures from hell. They scream and yell at the wild birds. Since I've been here, I've decided to take up bird-watching as a relaxing hobby. At the other apartment, I was a casual bird-watcher.
There were only two categories of birds. All small birds were called sparrows.....large birds were called pigeons. But, my attitude has changed since I've been here. There are loads of feeders and birdhouses in the backyard. There are birds of all different sizes and colors. As I thought things through, all the birds I saw couldn't possibly be all sparrows and pigeons. So, I dug out a bird identification book. This is supposed to be a very helpful book. However, I have a few problems with it. It's too heavy for me! It's about five times my size. And, before I can narrow down my choices, the bird has already flown away! I've always heard binoculars are a must. But, by the time I focus the silly things, I'm looking in the wrong tree! What's a bird to do? If, by chance, I find the right tree, by the time I focus in on the bird, It's gone! This is so irritating! I finally learned to simultaneously work the bird book and the binoculars. Then, I learned some birds are best recognized by their song. What a pain! Then, I learned how to distinguish some birds by size, color, and markings. For instance, woodpeckers.....there are certain kinds that look alike, but their size helps you to distinguish what kind of woodpecker they are. Just one problem, ever try to get wild birds to cooperate? Honestly, I'm constantly running around the back yard with a ruler, trying to get the woodpeckers to stand still long enough so I can measure them! I must be crazy trying to take up bird watching as a relaxing hobby! I'm too pooped to 
perch!
This year, I want to be a Green wing Macaw for Halloween. I got my mask already. I found it in a garage sale. It looks really cool and fits right over my head. Won't Mother be surprised when she goes to feed me and there is a Green Wing Macaw in my cage. She needs a good scare, after all she's put us through! For once, she could have something to scream about! I've only seen Green wing Macaws in books. There's probably not a single one in all of North America. So for one day, I could be King of the Bird Resort! Well, I can dream, can't I? I'll let you know how it goes.
Hello Birds and human companions! HAPPY THANKSGIVING! I am thankful to be alive. It was some month starting with Halloween day. What was suppose to be a trick on Mother turned out to be a nightmare for me. Let me explain. The day started out as any other day. When I heard Mother coming with the food for us, I grabbed my little Green Wing Macaw mask, slipped it on my head, and waited for Mother to draw back my cage cover. I jumped off my perch and lunged toward the cage door. I expected to give Mother the scare of her life, but all she did was laugh at me and call me a silly little bird. Well, I was not about to be ridiculed by some human. It was about time to show my true colors. Poicephalus parrots rule! I would put all birds in fear of me. I grabbed my Green Wing Macaw mask, put it on, and hopped down the stairs. I hadn't realized there were so many stairs!
I was planning to scare those silly Caiques, Sassy and Brat. I would give them something to scream about. All I had to do was find the room they were in. But, that would be easy. Just follow their screaming. As I rounded the staircase, I heard a guttural noise coming from the living room. It growled, "hello." I hadn't recognized the voice. I decided to venture into the living room. I was a big bird now, besides I had my mask on. I looked over in the direction of the voice, and there sat a gargantuan bird sitting on a tree. With its feathers sticking straight up on his red head and its eyes flashing, it began laughing hysterically at me. Well, I had never seen a demon before, but I sure wasn't going to stick around to find out if it was one. I high tailed it back to my room as fast as my little legs and wings would take me. I vowed not to venture out of the room unattended again. Well, at least not for a few weeks anyway.
On a lighter note, I was invited to Beth Shery's wedding. Beth happens to be one of my fans so naturally I was elated on attending the wedding. She actually had me in mind when she planned the wedding! I thought that was so considerate of her! ! ! ! ! ! THANK YOU, BETH! Everyone received a miniature bottle of bubbles. It was just my size. I could actually hold the bottle! Did I get to blow any bubbles? No! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Thanks to the bubble queen herself - Diane Datz. She took my bottle and insisted on blowing bubbles every chance she got! So I spent the afternoon out on the dance floor with Maryann Babitz, Laura Graf and Nancy Soltero. They are some party animals! I just could not keep up with them. So I finally ended up break dancing and moonwalking on the table, until Mother swept me up and put me back in her purse! What a stick in the mud! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! Let me go for now. Keep those letters coming!
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, not a creature was stirring . . . notice I said not a creature was stirring; that doesn't include me. I was starving, so I thought I'd run downstairs and raid some of the Christmas goodies. Of course, this would mean making peace with the Green Wing Macaw named Billie, who guards the downstairs like he owns it. There was no task too great, that a smooth talking Poicephalus parrot like myself couldn't undertake. Besides, one day I would grow up to be big like Goliath, the mutant Yellow nape Amazon that is staying downstairs. Believe me, I certainly don't miss his loud mouth.
It would only be a matter of time before I would show the world what I was made of. But now, I must tackle the task at hand. Mother was working at the word processor writing God knows what. Meshach (Senegal) and Nehemiah (Red-bellied parrot) were having a contest as to who could say the most words. Mort (African Grey) was busy telling everyone to be quiet. It was time for me to make a beeline for the stairs. I got out without a problem, now to get down all those stairs. I think I worked off 100 grams crawling down them. As I rounded the corner, sure enough, there sat Billie, the Green-wing Macaw, on a perch in the living room. The gargantuan bird began to dance and jump up and down. The feathers stood straight up on his head. He had a demonic laugh and beady eyes that seemed to pierce me through and through. He stood guard over the fireplace, but I could only imagine a furnace with thick black smoke billowing out. All this bird needed was a pitchfork. Maybe Billie was short for Beelzebub?
The next thing I knew, the bird was garbling something that sounded like "Zac, step up." Great Cougley Mougley! He knows my name! I thought my eyes were going to pop right out of my sockets. Well, I wasn't going to stick around and be fuel for the fires of hell. I high tailed it back up those stairs in half the time it took me to go down them. Only one thought raced through my mind...could this bird be the antichrist? Well, so much for a midnight snack. So to all my bird friends and their humans, have a very merry Christmas and I'll see you next year!
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