Chukeigh is your editors fresh-mouthed African Grey parrot. This year, she would like to share her list of New Year resolutions with you.
1. I resolve to throw more food and toys all over the floor, (while giving special attention to the walls). Blackberries look especially good when smeared on my perches, plus it gives Mom something better to do than work on the newsletter.
2. I resolve to help my Mom get to that pile of clothes that need altering. I can remove all buttons, snaps and decorations from shirts and make sure that Mom has lots of lacy underwear.
3. I resolve to practice my wild banshee screams at a higher decibel, so my Dad won't have to be bothered by the sounds of that noisy T.V.
4. I resolve to make my Dad happy by shredding and mutilating (I'm good at that!) all the papers on his desk, so he won't have to make out his income taxes this year.
5. I resolve to only get sick on holidays and after midnight. That will give my overworked veterinarian more sleep, as my Mom and Dad won't be able to call and bother him.
6. I resolve to pluck out all the rest of my feathers (and anyone elses that gets in my way). That way, my Mom won't have to complain about the feather dust all over her plants.
7. I resolve to refine my potty habits. I will only secretly drop on the back of good clothing, because Mom gets angry if I do it on the couch.
8. I resolve to stop biting (maybe). I will use my beak only to remove unwanted household items, like VCR buttons, book jackets, watch knobs, lamp cords, plant leaves and cat tails.
9. I resolve to find a new name for Moms Amazon, who I call "Pickle-bitch". (Gee, that's going to be tough!)
10. I resolve to whisper, I love you in my Moms ear each night, so she won't bring home another rat-bag bird.
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