BENEATH THE CAGE GRATE

Dear Miss Bird:
I live in a three bedroom home. I have ten parrots that have their own room. I work ten hours a day and when I get home, I'm too tired to clean. It seems like every bird has a habit of throwing their fruit, veggies, seed, and pellets on the floor. When I go in their room at night, the room is a filthy mess. I can't even get near the cages. Is there anything on the market that could help me? Please don't tell me to get a vacuum cleaner. I have one and I'm constantly changing the bag. I'm looking for some sort of industrial piece of equipment. Price is not a problem.

Dear Filthy Bird Room:
Since price is not a factor, let me introduce you to the Red Devil vacuum company's new innovation THE TURBO JET AIR VACUUM FLOORBOARDS. For a mere $7599.00, you can have these floorboards installed in your bird room. By a flick of a switch, jet air sucks up all seed, food, pellets, etc. into the floorboards. It's like having your very own robot cleaner. And what's more, you don't have to buy vacuum bags any more! There are trays in the floorboards. The food is compressed in the trays. You can empty the trays at your own leisure. Just remember, they do need emptying regularly or you'll end up with a worse problem -BUGS!

Of course, there are a few drawbacks. The turbo jet air flow is very strong. The force is able to pull articles up to ten pounds into the floorboard. Do not leave your birds out of their cages when you are using the air vacuum. Small dogs and cats may be found stuck to the wall, until you turn the switch off. Plants may be left leafless. But, it's a small price to pay for having the luxury of a self-cleaning floor. What's more, you will never have to wonder again where that missing sock, money, earring, pen, etc. went. You will have your very own lost and found; everything will be either stuck to the wall or sucked into the garbage tray.

The Turbo Jet Air Vacuum Floorboards are only $7599.00 per room. Call 1-800-BLACK HOLE for more details. Most credit cards accepted. May the "force" be with you.

BENEATH THE CAGE GRATE

by Real Macaw Member, Diana LaFleur

Dear Ms. Wisebird,

I am wondering if you can give me any suggestions to a very familiar problem. I live in an apartment building and I own 3 Conures, 5 Cockatoos and 4 Macaws. They spend most of the day screaming. My neighbors are beginning to complain. I really don't want to move. Is it possible to sound-proof my apartment?

Dear Desperate,

I think I have the perfect solution for your problem. It's the BIRD REMOTE CONTROL by Quiet-Time. Recently, I invested in this little innovative gadget. How does it work? Well, a small computer chip in the remote control, when activated, adjusts the molecules around the bird cage and creates an invisible sound barrier. All you do is turn on the remote control, point it towards the cage, and press mute. Complete silence! When you want to hear your birds again, simply turn off the remote control.

This little electronic device is manufactured by the Quiet-Time Company. You can call them at 1-800-BEQUIET or send $3999 to Birdie Be Quiet, P.O. Box 481, Rome, Wisconsin 56702. Money Orders and Certified checks gladly accepted. Sorry, no credit cards.

Presently, I'm having a small problem with the remote control. It seems to have a mind of its own. When I turn the remote control on, the stereo, microwave, blender, coffeemaker and VCR all turn on simultaneously. When I press the mute button the TV goes on, but there's no sound, my computer begins printing and my garage door opens. But, when I turn the remote control off, nothing happens! Well, all the commotion scares the living daylights out of my birds and they scream like wild banshee warriors! I've tried contacting the Quiet-Time Company. All I get is a recording with background noise which sounds like a garbage disposal. I suppose if I can't get it fixed, I could put it in the Christmas raffle. Who knows, maybe you'll win it! Good Luck.

BENEATH THE CAGE GRATE

by Real Macaw Member, Diana LaFleur

Dear Ms. WiseBird:

Not long ago, while I was watching TV, I saw a phone commercial that featured this well-mannered, very cultured blue and yellow bird that spoke with an English accent. I would like a bird just like that one. Where can I find one? Now!

Dear Impatient & Demanding:

I am very familiar with that particular commercial. The bird you are inquiring about is called a Blue & Gold Macaw. But, I hate to break the news to you; the bird in the commercial is not real. Itís a mechanical bird! Can you believe that?! The bird is activated by remote control. It walks, talks, dials the phone and can even hold intelligent conversations. This would be an excellent gift for someone who has everything, or someone who likes birds, but can't be bothered with feeding or cleaning up after them. This handsome bird has all the personality and entertainment of a large parrot all programmed into a compact mechanical bird.

You can order one of these cute, lovable birds for only $10,095.00 plus shipping and handling, from Birdie Collectibles, Menominee, MI. Call 1-800-NONSENSE. Batteries not included.

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